ATAQ: “What do you do when parents and grandparents in your family give unsolicited advice or even try to undermine your parenting? For example, my mother-in-law tries to argue with me about my son being grounded and unable to go anywhere, even another family member’s house. Sometimes, she even launches into a spiel about how she used to parent, with the implication that I should be doing it her way.”
First, let’s address unsolicited advice. My response is the same if it comes from those within the family or outside of it. You have to first understand that most people are trying to help. There are some who are trying to hurt or convey a holier-than-Thou attitude, but most people believe that they are being helpful. Second, be mindful that you might learn something, even if it’s coming from someone you don’t like. Take it in, separate the wheat from the chaff, and do what works for you, as long as it’s not abusive or neglectful—your method or theirs. If you want to set a boundary, there are different levels of response:
Level 1
“Thank you. This is how I prefer to do it.”
“I hear what you’re saying. This is what works best for us.”
“Hmm. We’ve found that is most effective in our family.”
“Interesting. Jack and I have decided that this method gets the best results.”
Level 2
“I’m sure you are trying to help, but I would appreciate it if you let me choose how to parent the kids.”
“You had your ways of parenting, and we have ours. Please let us parent how we choose.”
“Everyone has her own way of doing things. I’d appreciate it if you let me do things my way.”
Level 3
“When you frequently give advice and imply that I should do things the way you did, I feel like you think I can’t do it on my own/that I need your help/that your way is the only way to do it right. Please respect our way of doing things and don’t offer parenting advice. If there is something that I want help with, I will certainly ask you.”
“I know you have been parenting for many years and have learned a lot along the way. You frequently tell me how you did things, with the implication that your way is better than mine. I’m sure you are trying to help, but I would rather you not offer unsolicited advice.”
“I know you have a lot of parenting advice to offer based on what you’ve learned over the years. It seems there are many things we do differently from one another. I want to ask you to pIease stop offering your advice. I think the best thing for us is to agree to disagree.”
Your words have to work for you and your situation. These are just ideas, and you may have to combine pieces of different responses to create what works best for you.
Now, onto undermining. First, be sure that the person knows what all the rules are regarding your forms of discipline. If it’s your spouse, make sure you are on the same page regarding discipline. (If you’re not, you may want to attend a parenting class together, read the same book on parenting or consult a professional.) Grounding means different things to different people. If someone is knowingly trying to undermine your parenting, that is certainly not ok and may even be malicious. Sad, really. It shows a great degree of immaturity, even selfishness. But that’s a discussion for another day.
Let’s look at an example. Say that your kid’s consequence is no screen time for two days. You take him over to Grandma’s, fully explain the discipline in place (you don’t have to explain why) and then find out that she let your kid play on the computer for two hours. When you find this out, confront the issue as quickly as possible by reminding your mother-in-law of what you said, that you expect her help in enforcing the boundaries and telling her that your kid will not come over if she can’t respect and uphold the discipline in place. I wouldn’t ask why she saw fit to do what she did, as this will likely result in an argument. If she offers that she doesn’t agree with the discipline, you can remind her that it’s not her decision to make and that you need her to respect the guidelines you set. If she insists that she will not do it, let her know that your kid won’t be visiting when he’s on punishment.
Relatedly, if your mother-in-law lets your kids do things at her house that you don’t allow at yours, confront this immediately. As long as what they’re doing at her house is not illegal or dangerous, you can use the Three Strikes Method I’ve mentioned before. That is, the first time you find out of an offense, tell your mother-in-law that your kids won’t visit her if she refuses to uphold the guidelines you have for them. Again, don’t feel you need to explain the guidelines, because you are setting yourself up for a fight. The second time, let her know that this is the final warning you will offer and that, if it happens again, the kids will not be allowed to visit her unsupervised. The third time it happens, let her know that she has repeatedly disrespected you and so the kids will not be allowed to come to her house unsupervised.
Try these methods out, and let me know how you fare. If you get a response that I didn’t address and you want help with it, just let me know. I will do my best to try to help.
If you or someone you know is struggling with a psychological issue, help is available. Talk to your insurer about available options under your plan. For more information on teletherapy sessions with me, visit www.DoctorBellingrodt.com.
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