In my office, when it comes to truth, I always say that there are at least 3 sides to every story: yours, mine and the truth (which is generally somewhere in the middle). Over the years, I’ve come to see truth as a largely cognitive concept, an intellectual pursuit. That is, your truth comes out of your perception, which is based on a set of cognitions, or thoughts, that you have in your mind about a particular thing, person, event, etc. It’s a head thing.
Transparency, on the other hand, is the word I use to describe an element of a more evolved or psychologically mature relationship. Transparency involves the full disclosure of not just the self-perceived truth but also the emotions that come along with it, your feelings about the matter. It’s a heart thing.
Let’s look at an example. Let’s say you and someone important to you (e.g. friend, spouse, child, sibling) have an incident where there’s some tension between you. In an effort to resolve it, you each share your perception of events based on the facts as you see them. Your perceptions are quite different, and you come to a standstill in your discussion because you just don’t agree on how things went. You talk a little more about how you each see things, what your reality is, and, not seeing a mutually acceptable resolution, you agree to disagree. That’s not a bad thing, per se, but it’s not really a solution that is positive for or grows the relationship. To get that, you should also include transparency in your discussion.
Transparency involves stating your truth but also sharing how you feel about it, what the deeper emotional impact on you is. In other words, you state how you see things and then how you feel as a result of that perception. That can help you get down to intent, and that’s part of what really matters in relationships. Continuing the example above, let’s say you share with your spouse what you thought she was saying to you with her statements (head). Then, you share that her words offended you because they made you feel like you weren’t doing enough as a parent (heart). That gives your spouse an opportunity, for example, to state that her intent was not to insult you but rather open a discussion about how the two of you can form a better partnership in parenting, maybe demonstrate a more united front.
Here’s how this might look:
Wife: I really want us to be on the same page when it comes to disciplining the children. (head)
Husband: Are you saying that I’m not doing a good job of parenting our son? What did I do wrong? (head)
Wife: No, I’m saying that sometimes we undo each other’s discipline in front of him, and that doesn’t work. We have to be united. But we both do it, not just you. (head) I’m just worried about the mixed messages he’s receiving when this happens. I’m also concerned that, in the future, he’ll try to leverage the division between us. United we stand; divided we fall, babe. It makes me sad when we aren’t the partnership that our child needs and that I know we can be. (heart) I just want us to be in sync on this parenting roller coaster. How about if we make more of an effort to discuss discipline before we tell him his consequences when he breaks the rules? If we’re both here, we can step away and talk for a minute. If one of us isn’t around when he does something he’s not supposed to, the one who’s present can tell him we will talk about what his consequences will be when we are together later that day and get back to him when we’re able. It’s ok for him to have to wait. That anticipation may actually work in our favor!
It’s really quite simple. Not easy, but simple. For it to be easy, you have to practice. Thoughts come from feelings, so transparency is about getting in touch with the feelings that trigger your thoughts and then sharing those feelings. You have to step out of your comfort zone of keeping things in and get in the habit of sharing not just what’s in your head but also what’s in your heart.
If you or someone you know is struggling with this or another psychological issue, help is available. Talk to your insurer about available options under your plan. For more information on teletherapy sessions with me, visit the FAQs section at www.doctorbellingrodt.com.
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