Call it a Christmas miracle, but I finally had time to write over Christmas break! My apologies and gratitude to those of you who have been waiting patiently for answers to your questions. Without further ado…
ATAQ: “We have a 12 y.o. who is very negative when he doesn’t get his way. He appears lazy and doesn’t seem to take pride in much of anything. Do children at this age regress because of all the changes going on mentally and physically? His behavior is frustrating because his actions are more like a 2 y.o. than a 12 y.o. We are also having some food issues with him. For example, he snacks late in the afternoon and then doesn’t want dinner. Because we don’t understand, I’m afraid we might be hurting his feelings and negatively influencing his confidence. I usually make him do more chores or take away his phone. What are some ways to influence his behavior and keep my emotions in check?”
There are several different pieces to address here:
- Understanding adolescent development and behavior, negativity and “laziness”
- Dealing with toddler-like behavior
- Appropriate boundaries and discipline
- Influencing teen behavior without damaging self-esteem and confidence
There is a lot of information here, so I’ve tried to break it up into sections somewhat.
Honestly, there are about as many answers to this parent’s question as there are parents who are frustrated. It comes down to this: Adolescence is as adolescents do. That is, there are many paths up the mountain to adulthood. They all lead to the same place, but one teen’s path may be quite different from the next. In all seriousness, and not intending to insult, raising a teen is not dissimilar from raising a toddler: There’s a battle for autonomy, separation, individuation and independence; and there can be some form of rebellion or tantrum when those things aren’t given. In other words, they’re trying to find their way and how best to act on the world around them to get the results they want. That being said, don’t forget the idea that kids act out because they believe that some need they have isn’t being met. (The same could be said of adults, but that’s a separate discussion!) This perception may differ vastly from that of the parents at any given moment, but we have to try to work with our kids. After all, God blessed us with them and entrusted us to raise them well.
Parenting Resources
Anyone who asks me about parenting is directed to Cline and Fay’s Parenting with Love and Logic. It’s simply the best approach to parenting that I’ve found, and I know from personal and professional experience that it works. They have an excellent book on the basics and countless other resources, including several funny CDs. (I listened to them in 15-minute increments on the way to and from work.) I also recommend Gray’s series of Love Language books. Love and Logic principles are very practical and realistic. The Love Language idea is that we have to speak to others in their love language, not ours. The Love Languages for both adults and teens are Quality Time, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch. There’s an online quiz that you can invite your teen to via e-mail. The results will tell you their primary and secondary love languages. Any other way of speaking to them can result in frequent miscommunication.
Love and Logic ideas are based on the concept of natural consequences in the pursuit of independence, responsibility and maturity. The successes of our kids, particularly the early ones, are significantly influenced by our actions toward them as they grow. Parent-child relationships are a power play of sorts. As parents, we have the power and control, and our kids want those same things. Let’s face it, they just have a lot more energy than we do, so they can fight longer and harder. We—and they—are simply better served by not conveying a power play whenever possible. As parents, we ultimately win the power plays because we have the control, which can leave a child feeling helpless and hopeless, which can impact self-image in a number of different ways. Basically, if kids feel ineffectual, they will be less likely to be assertive in the future. This could, in turn, result in them not feeling valued, not standing up for themselves and being taken advantage of.
Sample Parenting Scenario
I have a real-life example for you. When my daughter was in preschool, the administration implemented a rule that no toys could be brought from home. There were several obvious reasons for this. Obvious to me, that is. When I tried to talk my daughter out of taking her doll to school by telling her of this new policy, she had a mini-meltdown, not a great start to our day. The next time she wanted to take the doll to school, though, I nailed it! “Honey, I know you want to take your doll to school. She’s really great, and I would, too. But, if you take her, Ms. Nicole might have to take her from you and keep it in her office for the day, or others will want to play with her, and they might damage her. Or, someone might take her home without you knowing. It’s up to you, but you might want to just think about those things. It’s up to you, though.” Guess what happened! The doll went back into the drawer, the drawer closed and we walked out the door, both with smiles on our faces. What’s different? Notice the “it’s up to you.” That’s critical and the only real difference. The reasons were the same, just no power play. I simply conveyed logic and potential consequences. Love and logic with natural consequences. No power play, no attempt to control her or her decision-making process. As you can see, this approach also teaches kids to think ahead, to consider possible consequences of their actions. That, of course, is crucial for their futures.
Addressing Teen Impulsivity and Other Unwise Thinking
On the subject of thinking ahead, I try to get my teenage patients to see life as a chess game: You have to think three steps ahead. Take the kid with low grades and poor behavior choices at school, if he even goes. “So, you want to be a rock star.” (Probably not surprisingly, that was the one and only goal of an actual teen patient. Maybe a couple of adults, too, now that I think about it!) Sounds big, but who am I to rain on his parade? We teach our kids to dream big, right? “Ok, so how are you going to get there?” The ensuing discussion involves showing the kid how his success later in life in large part depends on his success in school now. I can make the connection to most anything at this point in my career. Even if he has a semi-reasonable plan, he likely hasn’t thought of at least a few things. For instance, does he know he will likely have to move to California? Does he have any idea what the cost of living is out there? I might even look up an apartment rental with him to make my point.
Maybe he says that he’ll wait tables to pay the rent and pursue the music thing on the side. “Ok, that’s fine. You have experience, right? Because, if not, you usually start as a host making minimum wage. Hmm, that’s really not going to cut it. Oh, and just make sure you are nowhere near a college campus because finding a job is near impossible with all the starving college students in the area.” Maybe he says that he understands that and can handle it. “Ok then. You do know how difficult it is to break into any musical or otherwise artistic world, right? You really have to know someone. You could network, I guess. Oh, wait. No, that’s not going to work because you’ll be slammed with working to pay the bills out there.” Nota bene: Presentation is EVERYTHING. The above statements should not be made sarcastically but, rather, matter-of-factly, as though you are just thinking out loud and he happens to be in the room. A few pensive-looking expressions or gestures don’t hurt either. Think Plato.
It’s incredibly rare that I can’t convince a teen that he may need a backup plan—or two—you know, just in case the rock star thing doesn’t work out. In the event that a teen leaves my office not fully convinced of the holes in his or her plan, I usually hear from the parent sometime later that the kid has moved on to a different, more realistic plan. If you want help with a script for a specific issue, let me know and I will do my best to convey how to implement these principles.
Why This Works
Why does this work? Because I’m not telling him what his parents have likely told him, which is basically that he’s out of his gourd. I align with him and his dreams and ambitions vs. creating a “no you can’t” environment. No power play whatsoever. Teens want power and control and will likely dig their heels in on whatever it is if we say they can’t do it. It really becomes an invitation to prove us wrong, totally the opposite of what we were after in the conversation. It’s all about the consequences and teaching kids how to anticipate them. That’s how we effectively guide and discipline them.
In terms of presentation, be sure to practice compassion. Imagine really wanting something and not being able to have it. Imagine badly wanting to do something and not being allowed to do it. That’s very different than someone acknowledging and validating your want and then explaining to you in a loving, informative vs. scolding, demeaning way just what might happen if you have or do that thing. We are really encouraging our kids to make their own decisions by considering possible outcomes. Once a kid believes it’s his own good idea or choice, he’s in!
Now, I’m sure some of you are thinking that you just don’t have time for this logic thing. Let me tell you something, the loving, logical approach worked much faster than my previous “you can’t do that” approach. And it has ever since.
Combating Teen “Laziness”
The word “lazy” doesn’t exist in my book. He’s unmotivated. This could be influenced by countless factors. Maybe he’s tired because he’s not getting enough sleep (maybe because he’s staying up too late playing video games, for which screen time should be earned). Maybe he’s being tasked with more than he can handle and it’s just overwhelming, so he just checks out. Maybe it’s not worth it to him. Maybe he needs some natural consequences for not doing his chores or getting good grades or demonstrating poor behavior. Regardless, it doesn’t have to be a power play. Once he knows his chores and the day/time by which they must be completed, he doesn’t get reminded. If he doesn’t do them, you can do them—hold on—and then consequence him. You gain leverage this way. He will eventually want you for something, and you will not provide it to him.
Let’s look at an example. Let’s say your teen’s bathroom isn’t clean by Sunday at 5. You clean it. When he asks you at 5:30 to run him over to a friend’s house, you say something like, “Ya know, I would love to do that for you, but I had to clean your bathroom. Now, I don’t have time to take you because the time it took me to do your chore was time that I needed for cleaning the kitchen.” Say he says, “Well, can you take me after that?” or “What if I clean/help you clean the kitchen?” Don’t give in. Stick with it. Say something like “Ya know, I’d love to do that for you, but the rest of my time is already spoken for today. I’m sure you can find something to do here.” The Love and Logic CD series I mentioned before gives tons of examples of this type of situation, some quite funny, actually.
Food Issues
When it comes to food, I think breakfast, snack, lunch, snack, dinner is a reasonable approach. Some people are grazers, and this can actually have health benefits; but I think we try to teach kids the above approach first. It’s important to have healthy snacks and ensure kids know where they are. If you really don’t want your kid to have something, don’t buy it. Or categorize it as dessert or a “treat” vs. a snack. Beyond that, I’m back to Love and Logic: If the kid doesn’t want to eat the meal being served, excluding those kids with allergies and those on the autism spectrum, he may get something from the fridge or pantry, but he will have to pay for those items. You can state prices for items as your child pulls them out, or you can even warn him by telling him that he just has to bring his selections to you when he’s done so that you can tally up what he owes.
This is probably the most challenging one for me because some people just don’t like certain things. I’m not a picky eater. I even like escargot, but I’ve never liked liver or oysters, and I didn’t like Brussels sprouts until I was in my 30s. I’ve found that you just have to use discernment and your own good judgment sometimes. One foolproof method is to let the kids decide what’s for dinner. You can give them three choices and tell them to pick, or you can tell them what’s available in the house at the time and let them pick. You can take them to the grocery store with you and let them select from a few options you present. Better yet, if kids are involved in the cooking, they are much more likely to eat. If they participate in selecting and/or cooking the dinner and then don’t want to eat it, go back to the pantry-as-grocery-store idea I previously detailed.
No Excuses
When it comes to discussing parenting, I must insert a brief, separate but relevant discussion. It relates to parents making excuses. One of my peeves is the parent who excuses his or her poor parenting behavior by referring to some aspect of their own childhood to rationalize the behavior. They say things like:
- “Well, that’s how it was when I was a kid.” Yeah, and how did that feel? How well did that really work out for you such that you are rationalizing your poor behavior by referring to poor behavior that was propagated against you?! And, oh, by the way, I used a typewriter when I was a kid, but you won’t find me using one now. Advancements have been made. You get the picture.
- “Look, you have it better than I did as a kid.” So what. Your behavior could still be abusive or otherwise inappropriate. “Better” doesn’t necessarily mean “good” or even “acceptable.”
- “Well, that’s how I learned to/not to….” Things change. We should vow to improve on what our parents did if they made mistakes, not continue the negative teachings. For example, technology has changed the way we can do some things. And, let’s face it, kids are just better at it than adults sometimes. Hear them out, let them know their ideas are valuable, worth hearing. This has huge implications for self-esteem and assertiveness down the road. One fun approach, when time permits, is to have your kids try to “sell” you on doing things another way. This can involve a list of options, pros and cons, even a Power Point presentation in some cases!
- “Children are to be seen and not heard.” Well, that’s just crap. Besides, I know more adults who should be seen and not heard than I do kids. How about this instead? “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.” Mark 10:14 (NIV) Or, consider the Psalms 8:2 reference in the expression “Out of the mouths of babes oft times come gems.” Clearly, God thinks children are important, so we should follow his example.
- “Do as I say, not as I do.” Um, do you want to raise your child to be a hypocrite? Ok, maybe this applies in certain situations, such as bedtime or pieces of candy after dinner; but do your best not to rub it in your child’s face.
No parent is perfect, but we should do our level best to raise our kids to become productive, respectful citizens. The best way to do this can be stated in one word: BOUNDARIES. One of the biggest problems of people presenting to my office for therapy is poor boundaries in one or more areas of life. Hopefully, I’ve given you some ideas about the importance of boundaries in parenting and how to set them. Make parenting changes your New Year’s resolution. Godspeed!
If you or someone you know is struggling with a psychological issue, help is available. Talk to your insurer about available options under your plan. For more articles, as well as information on teletherapy sessions with me, visit www.DoctorBellingrodt.com.
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