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Did you know that it takes about 5 positives to outweigh 1 negative in our minds? So, it’s no surprise that we, as humans, tend to be quite hard on ourselves. (Plus, the devil is real, y’all!) Most of the thoughts we have as humans are repetitive and negative. So, when we perceive that we’ve made a mistake, it’s not uncommon for us to beat ourselves up about it. We speak negatively to ourselves for something we said or didn’t say or judge ourselves harshly for something we did or didn’t do. Not only is this behavior unproductive and depressing, it’s not conducive to forward movement, to putting ourselves out there to go for what we want. When we engage in these unhelpful patterns, we’re gaslighting ourselves, and, today, I’m going to give you 7 strategies to help you begin to put a stop to this self-loathing behavior so that you can go after what you want. Get ready to get out of your head and into your life! And make sure you watch the entire training today because I’ll be giving you a smoking deal for more help with learning to eliminate the negative thoughts that pop into your head like unwanted guests!
Let me tell share a brief intro with you before we get started so that you know that I know what I’m talking about. I’m Dr. Jennifer Bellingrodt, a licensed clinical psychologist of over 20 years, first in the military and then in the civilian sector. I’ve built a very successful private practice around helping people get out of their own damn way for decades now—in fact, that’s the title of my upcoming book—and I want to share with you these strategies for putting an end to gaslighting yourself. Let’s start by talking more about what that means.
We’ve all heard the term “gaslighting” in reference to the behavior of other people, particularly narcissists. The term has its origins in a 1938 play entitled Gaslight, set in 1880s London. In it, Jack and Bella Manningham are a married couple. Over the course of their 5-year marriage, Jack manipulates Bella and fools her into believing she’s imagining things, eventually driving her to the cusp of insanity before she realizes what he’s doing. It turns out, he’s actually the one behind all of the mysterious occurrences. In an attempt to make Bella think she’s hallucinating, one of the things Jack does is change the intensity of the gas lamps in their home, hence the name of the play.
The term “gaslighting” saw a resurgence in about 2019, and it’s used to refer to the manipulation of someone using psychological methods that lead them to question their own reasoning or even their sanity. The goal is to gain power and control over someone else. This is done by distorting reality and forcing the person to question their own intuition and judgment. They may deny saying or doing things, even when there’s evidence to the contrary. In an effort to sow self-doubt and confusion in the mind of the person they’re trying to manipulate, the gaslighter uses psychological defense mechanisms, such as rationalization, projection, scapegoating, misdirection, intellectualization and justification. Being gaslit may create feelings of being undermined, vulnerable, unimportant, unconfident, unstable, irrational, distrustful and insecure. It’s most often used to describe the behavior of narcissists, but I believe we frequently gaslight ourselves, no narcissist required.
So, how does this manifest within us? It generally shows up as some form of self-flagellation, such as beating yourself up, doubting your abilities, questioning your decisions, regretting things you’ve done or otherwise being unkind to yourself. When you find yourself caught in this painful vortex of negative thinking, it’s time to go back to basics. Today, we’re going to look at the ABCs (and then some) of cutting yourself some slack: Affirm, Befriend, Compliment, Distract, Educate, Fool and Gather. Let’s unpack those:
- A is for affirm yourself. Speak kindness to yourself. Remind yourself that you’re doing the best you can with what you have available to you in the moment. Remember that no one’s perfect, so everyone makes mistakes from time to time. Remind yourself that you’re not ALL bad, nor are your decisions or past behaviors. Encourage yourself to seek the resources needed to do/be/feel better, whether psychological, physical, financial or something else.
- B is for befriend yourself. You should know by now that you’re your own worst critic. You’re generally harder on yourself than you are on others (unless you’re a narcissist), so BYOF: Be Your Own Friend for a moment. Ask yourself what you’d say to a friend who was beating themselves up about something and then say that kinder, more encouraging thing to yourself.
- C is for compliment yourself. Remind yourself of your good, positive or otherwise meritorious qualities. Remember the good you’ve done, either for yourself for others, how you’ve been kind, generous, helpful or encouraging to others at various points in your life. If you struggle with this one, try to bring to mind times that others have complimented you or shared a kind word about you.
- D is for distract yourself. Get busy doing something else to try to take your mind off the self-loathing for a bit. Sometimes, we can become addicted to negative thinking or self-loathing. The rule in addiction is that if you can fight a craving for 90 seconds, it will generally pass. Life may be lived in 90-second increments some days, but whatever it takes! You can do a few pushups, drink a glass of water, pray, go for a walk, listen to a podcast, phone a friend, clean something, etc. And having a pre-written list of distractions to refer to can be helpful when your brain can’t seem to think of anything other than fresh ways to beat you up.
- E is for educate yourself. Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn. Ask yourself what you learned from what happened. What mistakes were made and how could you avoid them in the future? What can you do differently the next time a similar situation arises?
- F is for fool yourself. Fake it ’til you make it. If you’re plagued with doubt in the face of a burning desire to do or try something, act as if you feel completely differently and go for it! If that seems too drastic, at least assume a neutral stance that maybe it will work, maybe it won’t and that, if it doesn’t, that won’t be the end of the world. Fear is temporary, but regret is forever, so just freaking go for it!
- G is for gather yourself. Take a look at the situation as objectively as you can. Gather your thoughts and redirect your attention to next steps. As a wise person once said, “The same boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg. It’s what you’re MADE of, NOT the circumstances.” Tap into your inner strength and direct your attention to what’s next, what’s in your control, right here, right now.
Listen, all is not lost when self-flagellation kicks in. Try these 7 methods to help with those ugly thoughts, and develop your own anti-self-flagellation practice. Don’t be so freaking hard on yourself! Remember, the mom in ET had an alien living in her house for days and didn’t notice. Stop gaslighting yourself and cut yourself some slack!
Now that you’re aware of the ways you work against yourself, let me help you get out of your own damn way and share that special offer I promised. If there were a way to continue this conversation and learn how to eliminate those negative thoughts that pop into your head like unwanted guests, would you be interested? Think about what your life could be like if you could eliminate the negative thoughts that are in your head every day. I’m going to teach you how to get out of your head and into your life so that you can do, get, be, accomplish whatever it is that you want. And I’m going to show you how to conquer self-doubt without spending endless hours in therapy or reading tons of self-help books. With a few minutes a day practicing my strategies, you can do just that and gain greater confidence in pursuing your goals!
My course on Overcoming Negative Automatic Thoughts is based on my experience as a psychologist in the military and civilian sectors for over 2 decades. It’s battle-tested, if you will! Let me tell you what’s included in this class. First, you’ll watch a video of me explaining 14 types of negative automatic thoughts and their general antidotes. Then, I’ll give you 5 questions you can ask yourself to dispute any negative thought. Lastly, you’ll watch as I dismantle challenging negative thoughts that customers and patients have shared with me over the years.
The information in my brief course has the power to change every aspect of your life because it teaches you how to redirect your thinking away from negativity and doom every single time. Simply click the link to take a closer look at my course on Overcoming Negative Automatic Thoughts. There’s no cost or obligation to watch a brief video of me talking about how negative automatic thoughts block us all and what you can do about it: https://thepsychoeducationacademy.com/overcoming-negative-thoughts. Right now, the course is just $7. If you were to work with me in therapy, you’d pay around $200 per session, so this is an incredible deal on 20 years’ worth of wisdom, training and experience. Just think about what you could do if you weren’t beating yourself up with negative, depressing thoughts on the daily. If all this did was help you decrease the darkness in your mind, would it be worth it? I assure you that the answer is yes. Due to rising costs of advertising and other business expenses, this offer won’t last forever, so don’t wait. Click on the link now for more information.
Listen, we make a move at the tipping point where the bad outweighs the good, where the costs of continuing our behavior outweigh the benefits of staying stuck. Aren’t you tired of the daily negative thoughts that pop into your head? Imagine what you could accomplish, how you could feel if you could learn to eliminate those ugly, unhelpful thoughts that keep plaguing you, day in and day out. If you can change your thoughts, you can change your life. Just click the link to see what it’s all about and decide if the material is right for you.
Take advantage of this amazing offer before it’s gone. For less than the price of a typical lunch, you can change your thinking, which leads to changed feelings and changed behavior. Procrastination only breeds further negativity. Reclaim your thoughts, reclaim your life!
