ATAQ: Should parents make their child stay involved in something if the parents believe the child wants to quit for the wrong reason?
This one is tricky, so I’ll give my most diplomatic answer: It depends. Honestly, it does depend on a number of factors, such as age, child’s interest level going in, whether it involves a team that he’s already committed to, type of child, what else is going on in the child’s life, what else the child is involved in, what’s at stake, if it’s anxiety/fear/low self-esteem that’s making him want to quit and so on. I’ve heard and believe both sides of this argument. I’ll try to address each of the factors here.
Age: Preschool and elementary-age kids are just starting to figure out what they are good at and enjoy doing. The most leeway should be exercised in this category.
Interest Level: If the child is very interested in trying and then wants to quit after one lesson or practice, I’d use the idea of three’s a pattern that I spoke of in my last ATAQ. That is, try something—piano, dance, art—three times before you decide if it’s for you. (I tell adults the same thing regarding things like social groups, clubs and churches, actually.)
It’s kind of like getting a child to try a new food. I once heard that a child has to try a food 21 times before deciding if he likes it. Seems extreme (I can’t imagine trying to make my kid eat the same thing she doesn’t care for 20 more times!), but you get the point.
Type of Activity: If it involves a team or group that the kid has already committed to, I think the pressure should be greater. You’ve committed to the team, and they’re counting on you to fulfill your role. Finish the season and then don’t go out for the next one, but you’re in it for now.
Devil’s advocate would say, “Ok, what if the kid rides the bench all the time?” My husband, a former decathlete who participated in more sports activity in college alone than I have in my entire life, gave this perspective: “Even if you don’t play often, the coach has trained you for a particular position and will be counting on you if a first string player in that position becomes unable to play.” Hollywood has made more than one movie about a second string player becoming a hero! A mom friend of mine had this issue in her family recently, and her sentiment is this: “Can’t quit once you commit.”
Type of Child: You know your child. If you think he’s quitting for the wrong reason, it’s worth considering to put pressure on him to power on. A mom friend of mine had this issue with her stepson recently. The year before, he committed to football and then quit. The next year, when she came into his life with a different perspective, he committed to football and then wanted to bail shortly after practice started. Two-a-days in Arizona can be really miserable, but she knew the issue was bigger than that. She felt it was important to teach him about accountability, responsibility and commitment, things he didn’t seem to necessarily value or fully understand. With college admissions becoming more challenging, it’s important to have a well-rounded child. She knew this would help in that vein also, and she wanted to teach him about committing to something, working hard to succeed and feeling accomplished, not giving up at the first sign of difficulty. She told him—lovingly and maternally, of course—to suck it up, which, it turns out, was the kick in the pants he needed to develop stick-to-it-iveness. He finished the season and was both proud of himself and obviously grateful to her, though she knew a teenage boy would never admit the latter.
The same may apply to children with social issues. This is a little more challenging and depends on various other characteristics of the child, but encouragement and support can help. Life is social, so the more comfort we can teach our children in these situations, the better off they’ll be. Desensitizing them to the anxiety associated with even minimal interpersonal interaction can be life-changing for them. By the same token, we don’t want to overwhelm them and have them shut down. Sometimes, though, our kids need a push from us. Often, it’s as simple as taking some of the pressure off by decreasing your own intensity about it and giving the child choices. More on this from my life below…
Other Goings On: If your child has psychological problems that may be related to her desire to quit an activity, help may be needed. Of course, counseling can help, but just listening to your child and trying to understand her viewpoint goes a long way. Check in with your child. If she carries one or more diagnoses, you can ask if she thinks that her diagnosis is blocking her participation in some way. Without a diagnosis, there can, of course, be any one or more of a number of issues at work. Maybe she’s having issues with others on the team. Maybe she’s being bullied at school. Maybe there’s a guy who’s bothering her, and she’s trying to stay away from school-related activities. Maybe a condition like panic disorder is impeding her ability to perform. Maybe she lost a friend or had a break up. Maybe significant depression or anxiety leave her without energy or motivation to do anything more than what she absolutely must. You may have to probe, but seek to understand first and foremost. Again, don’t antagonize or interrogate your child or demand that she open up to you. You will fail miserably and may alienate her to boot. As my southern grandmother would say, “You might as well be peeing in the wind.”
Other Involvements: This is two-fold. First, if a child has other extracurricular activities that are increasing his well-roundedness and consuming his time, then deciding to discontinue participation in a sport, even one he’s played for years, may not be a huge deal. Again, this assumes he’s not already in a position wherein others are counting on him. By the same token, it may be useful to encourage him to discontinue participation in a different activity instead, depending on what’s at stake, what’s most helpful or relevant to his future, etc.
Second, if there are significant personal issues at work, such as family problems, the child may not be able to concentrate or do a good job. Again, counseling can help, but it may not be enough to create balance or keep issues at bay. Stepping down can be a very reasonable and even smart decision in cases such as these. For example, take a college-age child on an academic or sports scholarship at a school that’s far from her family. Let’s say there are significant family issues…maybe young siblings are not doing well because of addiction or other issues the parents have, maybe a family member has a terminal illness or maybe the family business is about to go belly up, which will leave them destitute. Ideally, a child would never be put in this situation because the other family members can take care of things and encourage her to stay and continue with school. Real life is far from idyllic, though. Harsh realities occur, and it’s not our job to judge who “should” be doing what or what a family “should” be able to do. The bottom line is, no matter how amazing the child is and regardless of the scholarship she has, if she can’t focus and concentrate on her grades or sport, staying is a set up for failure.
What’s At Stake: If your child is college-scholarship-good at something and decides before her senior or even junior year to quit her sport, strong encouragement to continue should at least be considered, other significant issues notwithstanding. This would be another opportunity to explore the issue further. Graduating college with little or no debt is a huge win and can greatly impact the child’s financial future. Those who’ve taken out student loans before are saying, “Amen.”
Emotional/Psychological Challenges: If a child is wanting to quit because he’s anxious, afraid of failing or generally has low self-esteem, having a child stick to it can be a great opportunity to help conquer fear and anxiety and bolster self-esteem. My husband and I had a taste of this over the summer. Our 5 y.o. daughter and 6 y.o. son joined a summer swim team for the first time. They are both great, pretty much self-taught swimmers, and we thought they’d love it and that it would be a great way to keep them active despite the Arizona heat. They both loved the instructors, did great at practices and had fun with neighborhood friends they already knew. Most of the girls in our daughter’s age group had done swim team at least one year before, and she perceived a disadvantage (yes, that’s her psychologist-mommy’s reframe) after finding this out. She eagerly kept going to practice and swimming her little heart out, but she soon made it clear that she didn’t want to participate in the meets.
At 5 y.o., we weren’t worried about her getting started on securing a college swim scholarship, so we didn’t make much fuss about it. She still wanted to go to practice, so we just told her that she should just go to practice and have fun and that she could decide whether to participate when the meets came around. Teams weren’t really organized in a rigid fashion, relays were more based on who was available and wanted to swim, so we weren’t worried about her bailing on the team. She’s stubborn—no idea where she gets that from!—so it helped that we didn’t try to argue with her or force her to swim the meets, not that we physically could do the latter, but you know what I mean. We just encouraged her, praised her for practices and really just kind of acted like her stated choice to not swim in the meets was no big deal. Guess what? She swam in every meet she went to and did great. Mommy struggled a bit, however, seeing my little petite gal in that enormous pool and wanting to jump in about mid-way down the lane and help her. I can barely make it down one length, for goodness sake! Luckily, there was a fence that I had to stand behind.
My comments here are not intended as the be all, end all—they never are, for that matter. Rather, they’re food for thought, things to consider when making your own decision regarding your child. None of the categories is black and white, and several categories may apply to a single situation. And, at a certain point, we can’t force our kids to engage against their wishes. Be sure you are not trying to live vicariously through your child. When it comes down to it, our kids have to learn to make decisions while the impact or consequences are low. My favorite parenting resource, the book Love & Logic by Cline and Fay, talks a lot about this point.
Whatever you do, don’t ridicule your child, call him names or patronize him for a decision with which you don’t agree. There may be a teachable moment in the situation, but your child will completely miss it if your delivery is crappy. ABOVE ALL, your child should be having FUN. The caps don’t even do that justice; I see so many people in my office whose issues are related to an incomplete or shortened childhood. Let your kid be a kid for as long as possible! Childhood is too short nowadays; kids grow up far too fast. So, as Billy Dean sang, “Let them be little.”
If you or someone you know is struggling with a psychological issue, help is available. Talk to your insurer about available options under your plan. For more information on teletherapy sessions with me, visit www.doctorbellingrodt.com.
TOMORROW’S ATAQ: Dealing with pre-teens
A couple currently in the queue…
…What is sleep hygiene?
…Should I be evaluated for psychiatric medication?
What issue do you want to ATAQ? Message me privately with your question.
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