Self-esteem is created from early experiences. Children see themselves reflected in the actions and words of significant people in their lives. This starts at birth with caregivers and continues to develop in response to relatives, friends, coaches and educators. Girls, in particular, get a great deal of their self-esteem from their fathers, largely because this relationship is a model for how these girls should allow men to treat them. There may also be some genetic component to how we see ourselves, but this is more difficult to capture.
Early experiences help a child form his self-image or self-concept, how he SEES himself. Self-esteem is based on how he FEELS ABOUT himself based on those things. So, one is more thought driven, while the other is more emotion driven. Further, self-confidence is borne out of self-esteem. While self-esteem is an overall, broad concept of self, self-confidence can be general or specific. That is, a person can have an overall confidence about her but may also be particularly confident in certain areas. For example, I am more confident about my abilities as a psychologist than I am about my abilities as a rocket scientist. That particular confidence comes from education, experience and training; and those things, I believe, come from God’s calling in my life. Henry van Dyke says it this way: “Use what talents you possess; the woods would be very silent if no birds sang except those that sang best.”
Of course, we would do well to avoid self-confidence that turns into arrogance or narcissism. Ironically, this overstated expression of a positive self-image actually grows out of an individual’s desire to convince himself and others of his worth. This is probably a separate discussion altogether, but the bottom line is that the individual, at the core, does not truly believe in his own overall value as a human being. If a person is really good at something, why would he have to incessantly try to convince others of this? If he were good at the thing, wouldn’t that just show? The bragging, boasting and self-promotion are just covers for a fragile ego underneath.
Anna Freud, daughter of Sigmund Freud, the Austrian neurologist and famous psychoanalyst, once said, “I was always looking outside myself for strength and confidence but it comes from within. It is there all the time.” I agree with Ms. Freud in that a person’s true confidence and faith in herself comes from within. Of course, it can be damaged by people and circumstances outside of us; but we have to decide if we are going to let external forces dictate our internal feelings. No matter what happens in a person’s life, she can decide how she will let it affect her. Does she believe that everything happens for a reason and try to gain something from the experience? Or does she let the experience define her? As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
There are many ways to impact self-esteem. Confidence breeds success, and this success can improve self-esteem. One sure-fire way to damage self-esteem, however, is perfectionism. Perfectionists think that their self-esteem will be improved by their perfect works, but this is a set up for failure since perfection–in any area–is unattainable. The irony of it all is that the more you try to be perfect, the more likely you are to fail. That failure, in turn, wreaks havoc on self-esteem.
These thoughts on self-esteem are just one perspective. You don’t have to take my word for it–there are literally tons of resources available for working on self-esteem. A search on Amazon revealed over 55,000 such options! One great resource for looking at all the areas that go into self-esteem is The Self -Esteem Workbook by Glenn R. Schiraldi.
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