Outside of some of the more obvious abuses and sins against a relationship, such as physical abuse, sexual coercion and infidelity, there are other forms of abuse that may not be so obvious to some. These include forms of psychological and emotional abuse.
It’s not necessarily that people have had poor relationship role models and landed in a relationship similar to the one(s) they grew up watching. That can certainly get you there because normal is what you know; but I’ve even seen people who’ve had good, or at least decent, relationship role models tolerate poor behavior in their own relationships. It’s mind boggling on the surface, but it really has to do with low self-esteem or a poor self-image.
Here it is: Your spouse or relationship partner should never say/do certain things to you. I’ve seen these things perpetrated by both women and men, so I’ll use the pronoun “they” for ease of reading.
So, here’s a list of some things your significant other should not do or say to you. It is by no means comprehensive. Some of you may be astonished by some of these, finding them unfathomable in a relationship and failing to understand why anyone would tolerate such actions from another person. I’ll ask you to please reserve your judgment; you have no idea what another person is going through, why they tolerate or feel stuck in an abusive relationship, what they’re waiting on and so on. Y’all know how I feel about that. We don’t have the right to judge.
Ok, here goes. Your significant other should not:
- Demean, belittle or insult you.
- Make you the butt of their jokes, in public or private.
- Call you ugly or rude names.
- Tell you that you’re unworthy of their love or make you do ridiculous things to gain their affection.
- Tell you that you’re stupid, worthless or a piece of crap.
- Tell you that you’re ugly, fat, have too little of this or not enough of that, or attack any other aspect of your physical appearance or tell you that you need plastic surgery.
- Tell you that everything that goes bad in the relationship is your fault.
- Tell you that you’re crazy or otherwise try to use your mental health issues against you.
- Tell you that you are just overreacting when they obviously did something wrong, illegal, immoral, unethical or otherwise inappropriate.
- Constantly deflect when you try to address an issue or concern or bring something to their attention by pointing out something you do that bothers or upsets them, never really addressing what you’re bringing up or owning their own mistakes.
- Default to telling you that the reason you two disagree or fight is that you’re just too emotional.
- Blame you for their drinking/drug use/excessive spending/reckless driving/infidelity or otherwise inappropriate behavior.
- Gaslight you when you try to address an issue with them, turning it around on you or misrepresenting your words.
These things are emotionally abusive. If you’re reading this and you have to ask yourself if what you’re experiencing qualifies, it probably does. If so, I have good news: You don’t have to tolerate it, you don’t have to be a victim. Set your boundaries, stand up for yourself. Get help if you don’t know how. You deserve better. Create it. Make it happen. No one is going to do it for you.
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