Thank you, Nike, for that awesome motto that has oh so many applications! This blog is a follow-on to my previous blog, Permanent Change, Part I: Getting Motivated. As promised, this blog will discuss just how we go about real, lasting personal change.
Mahatma Gandhi said, “If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. … We need not wait to see what others do.” This is often paraphrased as “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” While I love that basic sentiment, I think there’s also more to it than that. To me, his original words emphasize a few important life lessons:
- Personal change can bring about greater societal change.
- No one can change you but you.
- Water seeks its own level. That is, if you are well, you will draw other well people to you. If you are not well, let’s say codependent, then you will draw unwell people to you, such as those who are needy or demanding or will take advantage of your kindness.
- Don’t wait for others to change. Work on yourself regardless.
So, how do we accomplish permanent change? Start all change with a prayer for help and strength along the way, and then keep at it! To illustrate this process, I’ll give some examples, starting with the weight loss journey I mentioned in Part I: Getting Motivated.
- Find your conviction, and turn it into your commitment.
- Do not change solely for someone else. Own your flaws and imperfections and vow to change them because you want to live a happier, healthier life, not strictly because someone else wants you to change.
- If you are making changes to help or save a relationship, first make sure the relationship is worth saving. For example, make sure that you are not being taken advantage of and being manipulated into believing that you are doing something wrong and should change to meet the wants, wishes and desires of your partner. Friends and family members tend to take our side, so this evaluation may involve an objective third party, such as a therapist or pastor.
- If the relationship is worth saving, and your partner is asking for change, ensure that s/he is making changes also. Working toward a better relationship should not be one-sided: It takes two to tango! Even with something seemingly one-sided like addiction, change is a two-way street. For instance, if your partner is an addict, there’s a good chance you’re an enabler. Therefore, to break the cycle of difficulty, you both have to make some changes in your compulsive tendencies.
- If your partner is making changes, it’s ok for you to want to change to better your relationship, as long as you are happy, too. This makes change more real and more likely to stick, as it’s coming from a desire within you vs. someone external to you telling you how to be.
- Maybe this involves making a list of the benefits of behavior change.
- Be aware of the challenges, and face them head-on. Don’t try to act as though they don’t exist, that change will be a walk in the park.
- Expect the best, and prepare for the worst. Maintain a positive, can-do attitude, and be realistic about what issues may arise.
- Roll with resistance. As humans, we are driven to maintain homeostasis in many ways. Change is about fighting that drive, and this isn’t generally easy. Don’t be naïve, though, and be sure you prepare for fighting yourself. Patients often resist my efforts to help them make change. Change can be really daunting, so this is understandable. I remind them that they are sitting on my couch because what they were doing wasn’t working. I remind them that they were uncomfortable enough at one point to decide to come in to therapy and encourage them to remember that they are trying to find a different and better way. (Read: Do your homework!)
- To prevent relapse, have a contingency plan in place for the tough times, i.e. ways you will stay on task/distract yourself from that temptation to smoke, whom you will call for support in the tough times and so on.
- Have a plan for what to do if you do relapse. How are you going to hold yourself accountable? What’s your plan for getting back on track? (You’ll find more on this below.)
- Think of the behavior you want to change as a self-defeating or self-destructive one, and explore the consequences of continuing to engage in the behavior. Gregory Boothroyd, Ph.D., created a Self-Defeating Behavior Exercise (SDBE), which he described in his book, Going Home. This is one of the best tools I have found in the mental health field, and it serves as a real wake-up call. I speak from firsthand experience when I tell you that this exercise is tremendously powerful in illuminating negative patterns and very motivating for positive change. I was literally brought to tears and compelled to change! Resistance to change is about fear, and this exercise is great for shining a light on those fears so that you can conquer them.
- This exercise starts with a self-defeating behavior in the middle in a circle and at least four spokes coming out of points on the circle (top, bottom, left and right).
- Each spoke has another circle on it that also has one or more spokes, with a circle at the end with more spokes and so on.
- Your completed page should like several atoms forming a molecule.
- Patterns that are revealed in this exercise can be particularly helpful in understanding oneself, the need for change and the true pervasiveness and consequences of self-defeating behavior. I once had a patient complete this exercise only to find that each of her endpoints was the same: suicide. Once she became aware of how destructive some of her go-to behaviors were, her commitment to change increase dramatically and she was able to find new, healthier ways of being and behaving to get her wants met.
- Do not change solely for someone else. Own your flaws and imperfections and vow to change them because you want to live a happier, healthier life, not strictly because someone else wants you to change.
- Make a plan and include various possible contingencies. Creating structure in our lives gives us greater odds of success. For example, with weight loss, you have to figure out how you are going to track your food intake, i.e. via counting calories on an app like My Fitness Pal, logging points via Weight Watchers, etc. Decide how you are going to incorporate exercise into your day. Make a list of viable options that require various amounts of time, i.e. walking for 20 minutes before dinner each night, doing a 45-minute workout video, taking a 90-minute yoga class, etc. This way you have several choices depending on your energy level or time available.
- Create accountability. Tell someone close to you, who’s not afraid to tell it like it is, who will help keep you on track with friendly (or sometimes not so friendly) reminders.
- Find encouragement. Surround yourself with cheerleaders, whether they are on the same mission or just wish to be supportive. Particularly helpful in this vein is someone who’s already conquered the demon you are fighting. These can be friends, family members, educational groups, support groups, chat rooms or online forums.
- Set appropriate boundaries when needed. You may find that others try to lure you back to your old ways. For example, if you were codependent and always doing for others while neglecting yourself, those others may now take offense or even call you selfish when you don’t bend over backwards to satisfy their wants, wishes or desires. Set boundaries with these people by talking to them, explaining the mission you’re on and asking for their support or, at least, understanding. If that doesn’t work, you may have to end the relationship. This is challenging, but sometimes personal change involves changing the people with whom you associate. You will often find out who your true allies are.
- Don’t expect others around you to change just because you are. Change can be contagious, but it isn’t always so. Ideally, when we make changes, we would like others around us to change, too. Maybe they become nicer, don’t try to take advantage of us, don’t take us for granted, are more generous or kind, etc. Do NOT change solely for someone else or to try change someone else.
- When you’re tempted, distract, distract, distract! There are numerous ways to distract. The bottom line: If you can find a way to distract yourself from the urge to behave in a certain way (e.g. eating poorly, smoking, self-mutilating, drinking alcohol, engaging in a compulsion, etc.) for just 90 seconds, you can fight that urge. Sometimes, you may feel like your day consists of 90-second increments; just keep your eyes on the prize!
- Return to the SDBE, and remind yourself of the consequences of continued poor choices. Ask yourself, “Why am I doing this again?” Sometimes we need a refresher to re-motivate us.
- Remind yourself of the cons, the negative feelings you used to have or consequences you used to suffer when you engaged in the old, negative behavior. Continuing with my yoga story, this week I find that I’m still sore from last week’s return. It’s a good kind of pain, in my opinion. A pain that lets me know I worked hard and reminds me not to return to old ways. With change, the “pain” that may come can often create in people a desire to return to the old way. In that case, it’s important to remind yourself of how far you’ve come, how good you’ve felt at times (or at least how you felt bad less often!) and how truly painful it was to live the old way, including any negative consequences to that behavior.
- Close your eyes and visualize yourself the way you want to be, e.g. more in control of your behavior, being comfortable in a bathing suit, giving your spouse a smoke-free kiss, chasing your kids in a game of tag, less worried about your health, working within your career field and so on.
- Make a list of at least 20-30 suitable, positive distractions. Here are some ideas:
- Pray.
- Read the Bible.
- Walk the dog.
- Clean something.
- Do pushups.
- Dance.
- Do yoga.
- Drink a glass of water.
- Volunteer.
- Do sit-ups.
- Talk to a family member. (This person doesn’t necessarily have to know what demon you are currently fighting. You can just be on the phone or in a conversation about anything for the sake of distraction.)
- Color.
- Go outside and take 5 deep breaths.
- Look for tonight’s dinner recipe.
- Text a friend. (Ditto #11)
- Clean out your closet.
- Read.
- Stretch.
- Eat a piece of fruit.
- Make a list of people, things, opportunities, etc. for which you are grateful.
- List those old college textbooks for sale on Amazon.
- Vacuum the floor.
- Journal. (This is actually also very therapeutic. If you are in therapy, you can share this with your therapist for feedback and greater understanding. If you are in a group, you may wish to share this with the members and ask for their input on how to beat the demon you are fighting. Just the validation from others, the sense of universality or commonality, of knowing you’re not alone, can be healing.)
- Add to this list of distractions!
- When you struggle, seek support.
- Pray, and tell the enemy to get behind you.
- Talk to a family member or friend who will be supportive.
- Find a support or educational group.
- Find an online forum.
- Participate in a chat room.
- If you falter, just get back on track as soon as you can.
- Don’t be discouraged and give up. Remember what you’re fighting for, and redirect yourself to that goal. Again, Rome wasn’t built in a day. Change is a process, not an event.
- Think of each day–or hour, in some cases–as a new opportunity. For example, if you’re trying to quit smoking cigarettes, and you smoked around 9 a.m., don’t just say “to heck with it” for the rest of the day. Restart your abstinence after that cigarette. If you are steadily increasing the time between cigarettes or the number of cigarettes per day, you are still moving in the right direction. With weight loss, if you blew it at dinner, recognize that tomorrow is another day to start tracking your intake and try again.
- Recognize the difference between relapse and regression. I think of relapse as more of a temporary slip or error in judgment, whereas regression is a complete return to a previous state. See your slip as a relapse, and get back on track ASAP to prevent complete regression.
Change is hard, and you will stumble along the way. So, be ready and don’t be afraid to apologize or ask for forgiveness (or forgive yourself!) for mistakes you make during the struggle. Just stick with it with a vow not to return to your old ways. In all of this, the goal is to live your life in a way that you don’t have to apologize–to God, yourself or anyone else.
Above all, remember that each day you get out of bed is another day that God has decided to keep you here, which means he still has a plan and purpose for your life. You may not always be able to see the plan or purpose, but it’s there! Remember, change is a process, NOT an event. When God is done with you here on earth, he alone will call you home. Until then, don’t give up the fight!
