Anais Nin, a writer and diarist who lived from 1903 to 1977, said, “We don’t see things as they are, we see them as we are.” Call it “selective seeing,” but each man’s perception is that man’s reality. In a sense, that’s what makes the world go ’round. This can be problematic in our relationships and life in general, though, if that perception contradicts another’s with whom we have to interact.
So many times, I’ve asked couples in my office to replay an argument, and each member has such a different story. Each person’s perception is, of course, based on interpretation vs. entirely grounded in a given reality. It’s often amazing just how different they are, almost as if they are describing two totally different scenes! I always say that there are at least three sides to every story: yours, mine and the truth–the last of which is usually found somewhere in the middle!
Feelings aren’t right or wrong, but the thoughts that come from them are another matter entirely. These thoughts can get us into trouble via the generation of assumptions and other bad choices. How we see a given situation, person or event is definitely subjective, or open to individual interpretation. How we respond is within our control, and our responses are often character-defining moments. The goal is to see things as clearly as possible, with a balance of rational thought and emotion.
Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we may struggle to see things clearly. The lens through which each person sees is different, colored by past events and experiences. I believe there are three colors for our lenses: clear, rose-colored and gray. These can vary across situations. For example, in an area of greater confidence or self-esteem, the lens may have a bit of pink hue. In an area where we don’t feel particularly adept, however, the lens may have somewhat of a shadow over it. Clear is the most accurate color, regardless of who you are or what you have experienced. The other two can result in bad decisions based on positive or negative feelings, originating from the skewed thoughts the lenses create. Rose-colored is the color that Polyanna wears, and seeing through these glasses can result in naivete, being taken advantage of and disappointment when unrealistic expectations aren’t met. For example, trusting too early in a relationship, revealing too much of self and having it used against you by an immature or spiteful person. Seeing through gray glasses, on the other hand, can result in sadness, lost opportunities and relationship difficulties. If everything is doom and gloom, self-esteem can be affected, which, in turn, affects motivation in any arena and can result in depression or at least chronically depressive thinking.
So, what are we to do when we need to see eye to eye with someone else? Here are a few suggestions:
- Recognize that your thoughts and feelings are just as valid as the other person’s, despite what he may have you believe. We are all created equal; no one is greater or lesser than another.
- Be assertive and present your viewpoint. Clearly express your feelings and articulate your thoughts on the matter at hand. Use “I” statements, not accusatory “you” statements. For instance, “You are a jerk!” is very different from, “When you say that I don’t ever contribute around the house, I feel hurt. I don’t think that’s accurate, and I feel you are overstating the situation.”
- Stay away from absolutes such as “never” and “always.” These are very rarely accurate descriptions of a given person’s behavior over time.
- Be open to the other person’s perspective. Hear her out without interrupting, even if it completely contradicts your beliefs, thoughts and/or feelings.
- Paraphrase what you heard the other person saying and ask if you can check it out with him, not unlike a business transaction of sorts: “So, you are saying that you don’t think I do much around here, is that right?” I know, not rocket science, but a little thing like this can make a big difference. That is, if you don’t start off on the same page, there can be a trickle down effect wherein things just get worse from there.
- Once you understand where the other person is coming from, respond as calmly and non-accusatorily as possible. “Well, I don’t think you do a single thing around here either!” is very different from, “I feel that is an inaccurate statement because I feel that I do contribute by…”.
- Recognize when you’ve met your match, and don’t be afraid to agree to disagree. Choose your battles wisely in this. If you are talking about fundamental differences in values, for example, you might have a nice conversation for awhile, but don’t assume that if you keep talking, no matter how calmly and rationally in your own mind, you will change a person’s perspective. If the person doesn’t change his mind or perspective or can’t seem to see your point of view, you may have to agree to disagree, move on or, if it happens continually and seems to be affecting the quality of the relationship, consider ending the relationship. If both parties honestly and assertively expressed themselves, it’s not a total loss and most likely taught you something along the way. Remember, everything happens for a reason.
