Patterns are all around us, in both nature and human nature. When we are not naive to them, they can show us beauty or a master plan, they can help us discern whether to be in relationship with a given person, they can help us see whether we need to make behavioral or perceptual changes and so on.
When talking to people about looking for patterns in the behavior of others, I take a little something from baseball: Three strikes, and you’re out! That is, the first time a person hurts us, we call it a fluke. The second time, a coincidence. The third time, a pattern. More simply, the third time is a charm, the charm being the decision to make a move of some sort, i.e. address the person or end the relationship. This is Assertiveness Training 101 and helps people break out of enabling and patterns of codependency.
You can also learn to look for patterns in your own life. Actress Jodie Foster once said, “I think ‘destiny’ is just a fancy word for a psychological pattern.” When it comes to relationships, water seeks its own level. That is, we seek people who are very similar to us in psychological and emotional ways. So, you are destined to repeat the same mistakes if you don’t change. Wherever you go, there you are. In other words, we’ve all heard that history repeats itself. I believe this is true–unless we do something to change. The first step is identifying the patterns.
Where might patterns be revealed? Psychotherapist Alfred Adler said, “The test of one’s behavior pattern is their relationship to society, relationship to work and relationship to sex.” I think this statement covers three important areas: relationships, money and pleasure. These are three great opportunities for either happiness or pain–or some combination thereof–and all represent chances to form patterns, even addictions. This is a good place to start when trying to evaluate your own life.
As you’re making changes, don’t forget to look for the formation of positive patterns a.k.a. progress! Kate DiCamillo’s sentiment on patterns is fitting in this vein: “I thought I was going nowhere. Now I can see there was a pattern.” We often think we aren’t accomplishing anything, not making any progress. I frequently see this in patients who doubt their own efforts and improvements. When we take time to step outside of ourselves, we can see things from a different perspective. Of course, this often requires another person to point things out, but there’s nothing wrong with that! You should reward yourself for these successes, thereby, encouraging yourself and setting the stage for additional success.
So, how do we break out of negative patterns? As with anything, awareness is the first step. Sometimes, this awareness comes from the perspective of another person. Sometimes, it comes from discomfort, unhappiness, pain. Sometimes, it takes a loss–maybe even hitting our own personal rock bottom. Portia Nelson’s poem “There’s A Hole In My Sidewalk” paints a nice picture of this in its description of how harmful patterns can break us and how, once we see clearly, we can break them.
I.
I walk down a street and there’s a big hole.
I don’t see it and fall into it.
It’s dark and hopeless and it takes me a long time to find my way out.
It’s not my fault!
II.
I walk down the same street.
There’s a big hole and I can see it, but I still fall in.
It’s dark and hopeless and it takes me a long time to get out.
It’s still not my fault.
III.
I walk down a street.
There’s a big hole.
I can see it, but I still fall in.
It’s become a habit.
But I keep my eyes open and get out immediately.
It is my fault.
IV.
I walk down a street.
There’s a big hole.
And I walk around it.
V.
I walk down a different street.
Notice the progression from denial and self-victimization, comfort in the familiar, to the development of coping skills and making the decision to make important changes for self-improvement. As I’ve said before, the most important thing is to never lose hope. Don’t be afraid to ask for help in breaking patterns that may even be lifelong. You are many things, but alone is not one of them.
