One big area is talking to children about what to expect in their daily activities. So, just as they generally eat, sleep and play in certain places at certain times when not traveling or having house guests, you can talk with children about what they might expect in these areas during the holiday season. Help children get invested in the process by talking with them about:
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- Whose house(s) they will be visiting and show them on a map in relation to their own home and/or who will be visiting them and where on the map they are coming from. Convey that their specialness means that others want to spend time with them during the holidays, i.e. “Grandma Jo will be coming in from way over here in Connecticut to see you. She thinks you are just great and is looking forward to sharing Christmas with you this year.”
- Where they will sleep and with whom they may be sharing sleeping space, i.e. “Your cousin, Andy, who is five years old like you will also be sleeping in your room. Do you think he could sleep on your top bunk, or would the two of you like to camp out in your room with sleeping bags on the floor next to each other?”
- What they will be eating, including new or exciting dishes from which they get to choose, and, for kids with food issues, add that they don’t have to eat all of the dishes family members or friends might make, i.e. “Our friends, the Kowalskis, are from Poland, and they will be serving some really great dishes that you might want to try, such as pierogies and kielbasa and even mazurek for dessert. Aren’t those some interesting names? I’m really excited about trying these new things, and I hope you will try them with me.”
- What they will be able to do while visiting or hosting visitors, i.e. “Your Uncle Jeremy has a big park next to his house that you can play at in the morning when we normally go on our walk here at home.” or “I’m so excited that we will get to read your favorite storybook at night with your cousin, Isabel.”
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It’s also important to give children ideas for handling situations that make them uncomfortable. For example, a child with food issues may not want to draw attention to himself by saying no to several entrees you present to him in the family buffet line. You can give him a code word or phrase that he can use to convey to you that he’s not interested in a particular dish or help him fix his own plate. In addition, make sure children have ideas for how to handle difficult people, such as the child who doesn’t understand body boundaries very well and has a difficult time taking no for an answer, i.e. “I know Joey likes to roughhouse and sometimes he hurts you because he’s bigger than you are. Let’s talk about what you can say to him and some ideas you can offer for things to do that you both enjoy.”
Solicit children’s input whenever possible. If you are hosting guests, let children contribute to meal planning, coordinating sleeping arrangements, preparing the house for company and creating a schedule of events or a list of things to do with guests. Include ideas for things they can do inside the house in case outside weather is not permitting, and include ideas for outside activities if it is. If you will be traveling, engage them in the process of packing and preparing the house. Something seemingly small, and maybe even bothersome to us, like letting your child pick out a new suitcase, pack it (with supervision, of course!) and pull it through the airport, can go a long way in promoting a child’s feelings of control and predictability.
Give yourself plenty of time to prepare for guests or prepare yourself for traveling. The calmer you are, the better off both you and your children will be. For example, whether driving across country or just to the airport, try to schedule your travel outside of rush hours. Leave extra early to go to the airport so that you are not rushing through the terminal and are unable to let your child pull that new suitcase herself. Save time for things like letting your child put the money in the luggage cart machine or be the one to pay the cab driver. All of this may seem time-intensive to some, but a stitch in time saves nine when it comes to these things. That is, the more control you give your children all along the way as you can, the less likely they are to fight for control when you really need them to focus or follow directions without lollygagging or asking a million questions.
Provide food and fun. If you are driving, be sure to stock up on your child’s favorite healthy snacks. If you are hosting and your guests are running late, meanwhile your little one is starting to become hypoglycemic (and demonstrating the unpleasantness that comes with it!), have age- and preference-appropriate healthy snacks that she can gnosh on while waiting. Likewise, provide the same types of appropriate activities for children to do in the car or while waiting at home or elsewhere. As always, rewards are helpful, including rewarding children as they engage in good behavior along the way. For example, “You are doing so well coloring at the table here in the kitchen while Mommy is cooking. If you can do that for five more minutes, I will let you help me make the potatoes.” or “The special Christmas cookies are almost done. If you can look at your book for five minutes, I will let you help me decorate them with icing and sprinkles.” If traveling, you might say, “Wow! You did great on that airplane ride! How about I let you pick a movie to watch on the DVD player when we get back on the airplane for the next part of our trip.” or “You worked really hard to play your game quietly in your car seat while your brother slept. Thank you so much for doing that so that I could focus on driving. Would you like to stop for a treat?”
For kids who may have sensory integration or overstimulation issues, you can establish a plan for how to let you know if they need a break. As a preventive measure, you can build in breaks for them. For instance, if the noise level in the kitchen area is getting high or you can sense that your child is getting a little wound up, you can send her on an errand, “Sweetheart, can you please go out to the garage and get Daddy some milk from the refrigerator out there?” or “Honey, could you go check to see that the guest bathroom has two rolls of toilet paper in the basket next to the potty, please?”
Finally, behavioral guidelines should be discussed. If there are things that your child does at home but won’t be able to do at a house you are visiting, these boundaries should be established ahead of time. A parent might say, “Even though you and Daddy shoot your dart guns in our house, Grandpa Pete has his important Army stuff displayed at his house, so you guys won’t be able to have dart wars inside.” As always, giving an alternative is a great idea: “So, instead, why don’t we ask Grandpa Pete to show us his cool things and tell us about them.” Preparing children for differing schedules is important, too: “You will be able to stay up a little later at Nani’s house, but we have to be quiet because Papi has to go to bed early so he can go to work.” An alternative in this case might be going outside to blow glow in the dark bubbles or, if appropriate, going to see a movie with other family members at night.
Above all, remember that no situation will be flawless. Do your best to create predictability and control for your kids and yourself. Wherever possible, let kids just goof off and have fun–you know, be kids–and try to do it with them! Most importantly, hang your perfectionism on the coat rack as soon as you walk in!
