In recent years, I’ve often said that “need” is the nastiest of the four-letter words. I try to redirect people who use this word in situations that don’t warrant it. True “need” is about life or death. I say that the only things we “need” for this life are food and water. Beyond that, for eternal life, we need Christ, but that’s about it. In this day and age, I’ve noticed, many people use “need” when really “want” is the appropriate term. When my toddler recently said, “I need my toy,” I realized how ingrained thinking this way seems to be. When I said, “You don’t NEED it; you want it,” he gave pause but didn’t say much after that. I guess we’ll keep working on this, his psychologist mommy trying to teach him early!
Why do I make such a big deal about this? Two reasons: (1) perspective and (2) pressure. Recognizing what you need vs. what you want, like, desire, prefer, wish for, choose or request gives you perspective. That is, you realize what’s truly important and what is not. For example, I have long said that Iwould like to have a therapy hut on the beach in Tahiti. I hope one day this dream will come true, but I don’t NEED it to continue my practice. Okay, so that’s a little out there. A more relevant example is choosing to have people in your life or do for them vs. feeling like you must or have to do these things. Everything in life is a choice–what to wear, who to spend time with, whether to get out of bed or go to work, what to study and so on. Even in restrictive environments, you have to see choices and wants vs. needs or musts. Within the confines of any situation, you still get to choose whether you will comply. There’s amazing freedom in seeing literally everything as a choice. Secondly, when people use need vs. want, they put a great deal of pressure on themselves. For example, “I really need to help her” or “I need to do this for him” implies a “must” situation that can result in putting oneself last way too often. For more on this, check out my blog on codependency.
Let me make a distinction between “need” and “needy.” I work with people every day who are needy in some way when they come to see me. In fact, that’s why they come to see me–usually, it’s because their wants aren’t being met and they’re asking for my help to make this happen. Being needy in this sense is appropriate. Another example is after a loved one dies and a person is needy. In those situations, we offer emotional support. Note that the person does not “need” us–he will not die without contact with us–but we are there to help buttress him emotionally in a time of distress. The same is true of a child of an abusive home whose psychological and emotional maturity may be lacking as an adult. This adult may be more needy than others for two reasons: (1) she wasn’t given appropriate emotional information and training as a child (in fact, what she was given was actually inappropriate) and (2) she doesn’t know how to get her wants and wishes met appropriately and so may come across as more parasitic than symbiotic in relationships. So, you can see, neediness is appropriate at various times.
An important point here is that neediness should be temporary. That is, in the example of the widower, once grief is worked through, emotional functioning will be restored to a greater level. In the example of the abused child, she will learn to manage her emotions more appropriately and seek out balanced, fulfilling relationships. In the latter case, the length of neediness will necessarily be longer than in the former, and that’s related to the duration of emotional trauma.
