As you might imagine, I talk with people on the regular who were abused, neglected, abandoned and/or betrayed by their parents. Whether we like to admit it or not, our upbringing has a significant impact on our present-day living. This can be good or bad or some combination thereof. It may not be something we are consciously aware of, but trust me when I tell you that it’s there. I’ve also seen countless people who, though they vow to be the exact opposite, in many ways become the parent they swore they’d never be like.
The prolific nature of family of origin issues is the reason behind my particular mode of therapy. I can tell you all the latest, greatest techniques and strategies for dealing with your anxiety or depression on a daily basis, and that will help you get through your daily life for a time. But my opinion is that we also have to move beyond this bandaid and do surgery to remove the source of the problem. Otherwise, it keeps coming back.
Now I’m not in the business of sitting around blaming our parents. That is a waste of time and puts us in a victim role. No thank you–life is too short and being helpless is not an option. What I’m saying is that it’s important to make connections to the past and then work to overcome the behaviors that are blocking us from living our best life.
Let’s be clear–I’m in no way excusing abusive or neglectful behavior. You will NEVER hear me do that. And the old “You had it better than I did” crap doesn’t fly with me either. Rather, it’s about coming to terms with your past, forgiving and freeing yourself from the pain, seeing what can be learned from the experience and choosing to be stronger in the face of a traumatic past.
So, how do we do this? Well, we have to first ensure that we are truly motivated to overcome. Otherwise, we may stop before we get to the good stuff! One way to get motivated is to remind yourself that what you’re doing isn’t working and see the situation as an opportunity to try something new. You can also make a list of the pros and cons: What are the benefits and disadvantages of staying where I am vs. doing something different? Everything we do, we do because we get something out of it. All of life is a choice. So, if you’re still struggling with motivation at this point, take an honest look inside to see what you get out of staying stuck where you are. If it’s fear that’s in your way, recognize that is not from God and tell the enemy to take a hike.
Second, we look at a couple of realities:
1. Our parents did the best they could with what they had available to them at the time, in their own perception. Our perception may be vastly different, and I could tell you story after story that honestly leaves me wondering, “What the hell were they thinking?” But, they operated from the place they were at, good or bad. If you believe they could have done better, you may be right. The reality, though, is that they didn’t for whatever reason.
2. Unless they’re psychopaths, their intentions were likely not bad, evil or malicious. Most people have good intentions or at least not bad ones. As jacked up as it may seem to you in hindsight, they likely truly thought they were helping with the pressure they put on you, the fear they instilled in you and the ways in which they pushed you to do better. I know it sounds strange, but you’d be amazed at the ways people rationalize or justify their behaviors.
Next, we check our perspective. Ok, there was some degree of yuck in the past; we won’t deny that. And that may be putting it mildly in many cases. But, ask yourself what positive memories you have from childhood. Is there anything at all that you can see as a good thing, a fun experience or a positive memory? It may or may not have involved your parents.
Fourth, if applicable, we look at what we can take from the experience and use in our interactions with our kids. Many of you have heard me say that our parents teach us two things: What to do and What not to do. Ask yourself what you can take away from your childhood experiences. What life lessons did you learn? Maybe you’ve made a concerted effort to not say the things to your kids that your parents said to you. Maybe you didn’t leave your kids with untrustworthy people. Maybe you lift your kids up with your words vs. knocking them down. Maybe you emphasized the importance of family time. Maybe you chose not to do drugs with your kids. Maybe you made sure that your kids knew that your love was unconditional. Maybe you helped your kids see their strengths, not just their weaknesses.
Fifth, look at how the experience has made you stronger or better in some way personally. Maybe as an adult, you are compassionate because you know what it feels like to be rejected or judged. Maybe you are stubborn and persistent and worked your way to the top for that career or position that you really wanted. Maybe you’re an advocate for abused children.
Last but not least, clear the air. Unless it’s physically dangerous to do so, talk to the person who hurt you and address the past issues or have a clearing with the person. Be prepared with a script so that you don’t forget your points if you get derailed by emotions. Give them an opportunity to explain, apologize or do nothing. There is a degree of risk here; but, remember, what you’ve been doing isn’t working for you. Presentation is everything, so this is the point at which you may wish to consult a professional to help you figure out how best to present the issues and prepare for various possible contingencies. If the person is demented, dead or otherwise incapacitated, write a letter about how you feel. Getting the emotions out of you and on to paper can be incredibly healing in itself.
The choice is simple–not easy, but simple. It comes down to this: Are you going to live in the place of pain you experienced back then and continue to allow the players to have emotional control over you, or are you going to choose to learn from the experience and move past it? What you’re doing isn’t working, so how about trying something new? What do you have to lose?
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