ATAQ: When a family member has a mood or personality disorder, how do you sympathize while also addressing the pain they cause others? When is it appropriate to draw the line and say, “The way you are treating me is not ok?”
Excellent question…it’s very challenging when someone we feel love and concern for tests the limits of our compassion by being abusive. Actually, whether we love the person or not, whether the person is a family member or not, the requirement is the same: BOUNDARIES. Setting boundaries or limits is the most common problem across people who come to my office. Very often and across various contexts, we may struggle to say “no,” and the result can be codependency (repeatedly putting others first to the exclusion and detriment of self), being taken advantage of, being taken for granted or even emotional or verbal abuse. Gender role stereotypes and cultural expectations can make setting limits even more challenging. The bottom line is that you don’t deserve to be treated poorly, so you have to stand up for yourself, be assertive—no one else is going to do it for you.
Situation: Sara and Doug are a couple of thirtysomethings living in Michigan with their 8 y.o. son, Joey. Sara has decided to pursue a career in naturopathic medicine, and the family will move to Arizona for a few years while she completes the program, after which they plan to return to Michigan for Sara to practice with a local group. Sara’s mother also lives in Michigan. She has a history of personalizing things and trying to make herself look like the victim. She is reacting very poorly to their latest decision, including saying, “How dare you do this to me?!” In expressing her feelings of anger and abandonment, she yells and curses at the couple. How should they respond?
The first step is to assess the parameters of the situation: What do we know?
- The move is not about the mother.
- She’s entitled to her feelings but not entitled to be inappropriate to others.
- Anger is a cover for other things, in this case, likely hurt, fear and abandonment.
- Abandonment is a river that runs deep, generally related to family of origin issues, very often including neglect and abuse. It’s not the couple’s job to fix it, nor can they, or try to make her happy.
- The couple have the right to stand up for themselves.
In presenting the move to her mother, when should Sara set boundaries in response to her mother’s poor treatment? Boundaries are set early in the conversation when someone is being inappropriate. You don’t want to enable the person or let her think her behavior is ok. To determine when to end the conversation entirely, look for a pattern of bad behavior: One is a fluke. Two is a coincidence. Three’s a pattern. So, I use “three strikes, you’re out” as the rubric. CAVEAT: If bodily harm or the threat of bodily harm occurs, don’t give three chances; get out immediately. If you want to say anything further, you can try later via telephone, text or e-mail to assess the situation before returning to a face-to-face approach. In cases like this, I would strongly recommend that you not go to see the person alone. Otherwise, a script for addressing this issue might go something like this:
Sara: “Mom, I want to talk to you about something. As you know, I’ve been applying to medical schools. I was recently accepted to Southwest College of Naturopathic Medicine in Tempe, Arizona. Doug, Joey and I don’t want to be apart for the four years it will take for me to finish the program, so we have decided to move to Arizona so that we can all be together. We are planning to come back to Michigan after I graduate so that I can work with a local naturopathic practice. We are very sad and will miss you and our other family and friends here very much, but we believe this is what’s best for our family.”
Mom: “What? What do you mean? You’re leaving me?!” (initial reaction)
Sara: “Mom, this isn’t about us leaving you. We are doing what’s best for our family.” (attempt to redirect calmly)
Mom: “Your family?! I’m your family! I’m your mother! I can’t believe you are doing this to me! You are so mean! You’re a jerk!” (Strike 1)
Sara: “Mom, that’s inappropriate and completely uncalled for. I know you are upset and sad, but you don’t get to talk to me that way. I’m speaking calmly and respectfully to you, and if you can’t do the same, then I will end this conversation.”
Mom: “Well, of course you are calm; you’re not the one being abandoned! What is wrong with you? You are just trying to hurt me, aren’t you?! You don’t care about anyone but yourself! You are so selfish! What about me?!” (Strike 2)
Sara: “Mom, you are still being rude and disrespectful, and I don’t deserve that. I’m trying to talk to you about this, and you continue to insult me. This is your last chance to calm down and talk with me about this appropriately.”
Mom: “Calm down?! How can I calm down when I’m losing everything?! Do you hate me or something? Why are you leaving me here all alone?! How dare you do this to me?!” (Strike 3 – OUT!)
Sara: “Ok, Mom, obviously you are not going to talk to me about this maturely and respectfully, so this conversation is over. When you are ready to talk me about this calmly, I will be happy to discuss it further with you. Let me know when you are ready, and we can try again.” (EXIT STAGE LEFT!)
Notice that there aren’t really attempts to dispute the actual content of the mom’s statements, remind her that they’ll be back in four years or even emphasize that the mom should be proud of her daughter instead of making it about herself! That’s futile in situations like this where black and white thinking is so prevalent. Clearly, there’s a deeper psychological issue here, and the daughter cannot fix that, nor should she try. Instead, her words are directed at setting boundaries about HOW the mom speaks to her and not WHAT she says. Obviously, this is one of many ways that this situation could be handled, and it might need to be tweaked to apply to a person’s particular situation. My point here is largely about recognizing what you can control (in this case, how Sara allows herself to be treated) and what you can’t (in this case, Mom’s reaction) in any given conversation and then focusing on the former.
If you or someone you know is struggling with this or another psychological issue, help is available. Talk to your insurer about available options under your plan. For more information on teletherapy sessions with me, visit www.doctorbellingrodt.com.
MONDAY’S ATAQ: Should parents force a kid to stay involved in an activity if the parents think the kid wants to quit for the wrong reason?
What issue do you want to ATAQ? Message me privately with your question or request for a script like the one above to address an issue in your life. I will start back with ATAQs on Monday. Happy weekend!
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