ATAQ: “My teenage daughter informed me that she recently had an experience with alcohol. There is a history of addiction in the family, and she has become very afraid that she will follow in those footsteps. The experience seems to have really scared her. She is apologetic and knows that she’ll have to work to rebuild trust. She’s previously been in therapy for depression and anxiety as well. Do you have any advice for kids who have a family member who abuses substances to understand that, while they may be genetically predisposed, they can live a healthy, fun life without drugs and alcohol? Do you have any advice for parents who have at risk kids on how to allow them to still have some freedom?”
First, let me say “kudos” to that young lady for recognizing a path she could unwittingly head down and for trying diligently to avoid it. I wish more teens had that kind of insight.
Addiction occurs due to the potential influence of several factors. Genetics does play a role, but it’s not an absolute. That is, if you take a group of people whose lineage includes addiction, thereby giving them a predisposition for the same, addiction will be activated in some of them but not others. Why? Well, it depends on their environment and the toolbox of coping skills they have. Technically, addiction is a coping skill, albeit a maladaptive one. That is, conditions like anxiety and depression underlie addiction. It’s a form of avoidance, a way of self-medicating and living in denial. While some people go to the gym or take the dogs for a walk after a hard day at work, others drink a six pack. The stress or upset can be acute, or it can be cumulative, or even develop over a lifetime as situations occur and aren’t dealt with in an adaptive fashion.
So…the key to fighting genetics is to develop several healthy, adaptive coping skills to choose from when the going gets tough. You’ve heard the phrase “When the going gets tough, the tough get going.” To “get going” is not to run away from problems or drown one’s sorrows. Rather, it means to get moving, acting on your environment in the best ways possible in order to change your situation. I assure you that I’m not a teetotaler, so don’t take this as an anti-alcohol campaign and delude yourself with the idea that I “just don’t understand.” By the way, that’s a common phrase heard from addicts and is a dismissive approach aimed at shutting others down so they don’t try to talk to you about your problem. Moving on…One of the best ideas for teens is to ensure that they have a toolbox of diverse coping skills. Healthy coping skills can serve as an outlet, a positive way of acting on one’s environment, a way to decompress or a way to distract from stress that’s not going away for a while, such as a big project or even parenting! These can include exercising, pursuing hobbies, relaxing with a book or movie, doing yoga, meditating, praying, diaphragmatic breathing, stretching, progressive muscle relaxation, talking to someone (personal or professional), cleaning, getting organized, creating a plan of attack to break down a big project into small pieces, studying to gain more knowledge about something that’s causing you stress and so on. You have to find what works for you. A quick online search or poll of healthy others in your life can give you mountains of ideas for creating your own healthy toolbox. With the teen depicted in the question above, I would first try to sit down with her as a parent and help her develop a solid toolbox.
Beyond that, I would focus on rebuilding trust, as you mentioned. Trust is about being accountable. As long as your teen lives under your roof, you have the right to know where s/he is at all times. This starts with a curfew and a discussion of plans for the day and/or night and who is included in the plans. Parents maintain veto power. For example, if my 15 y.o. wanted to go to a college party, that would be a no-go. If my 13 y.o. wanted to go to the movies with friends and without adult supervision, that would also be a no-go. I would offer to chaperone them and sit a few rows behind them in the theater. Of course, teens lie, so there should be contingencies in place for those circumstances. If your teen wants to spend the night at a friend’s house, you should first get to know the parents. Not just meet them, but get to know them. I realize we can’t control everything that may or may not happen to our teens, but we must do our best to try to protect them. Once the sleepover is a go, the parents should be in communication about the goings on for the evening. Are they staying in? If they’re going somewhere, what are the details? In other words, do the plans fit with the expectations you have for your teen? Whether your child is having a sleepover or not, you can require them to check in with you a couple of times throughout the evening, every few hours maybe.
Regarding electronics and young teens, I expect to have their logins and passwords. You can let your teen know that you reserve the right to check on them electronically now and then. In the face of their likely distaste for this policy, you can let them know the following: (1) that you wouldn’t be doing it if you didn’t care, (2) that anything they put in cyberspace can NEVER be removed and (3) that you are actually trying to protect them from various predators lurking online and (4) they shouldn’t put anything in cyberspace that they wouldn’t want their mom or dad to see. (I know several adults who would do better to follow #4.) Of course, they can have secret accounts about which they don’t tell you, but we can only do what we can do.
For more on the topic of addiction, read my blog “Addiction and Its Vices” under the Psych Blog tab at www.DoctorBellingrodt.com.
If you or someone you know is struggling with a psychological issue, help is available. Talk to your insurer about available options under your plan. For more information on teletherapy sessions with me, visit www.DoctorBellingrodt.com.
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