Many people have asked me about the differences between dependence, codependence and interdependence. I once came across a picture of various Saguaro cacti that depicted this beautifully, but I can’t seem to find it anymore. So, I’ll try to describe it here.
Dependence, codependence and interdependence
Dependence is a state in which one person relies on another for support in some area(s). For some, their very existence seems contingent on someone else’s. In other cases, the dependent may be subordinate to the other party in the dynamic. Sense of self is absent.
Codependence is a term for a pattern of relating in which a person puts the needs of others before his own. In other words, he gives others power over his feelings and well-being. He allows them to be in charge, to have control. His self-worth is based on what he can do for or be to others. It can seem like a mutually beneficial relationship in that one person is happy to get and the other is happy to give. In the end, though, it is detrimental to both parties in the same way: neither the “getter” nor the “giver” learns to take care of himself and develop appropriate, internally-based self-confidence and self-esteem. Sense of self is distorted.
Interdependence involves a true mutually beneficial relationship or partnership wherein both parties influence each other in healthy and appropriate ways. Thus, one party can influence the other’s emotions, actions, thoughts and well-being. The difference from codependence is a matter of degree: some power over vs. nearly complete power over, influence vs. control. Healthy couples are interdependent in that they allow themselves to be influenced by each other. This can be taken as a sign of mutual respect and understanding. Sense of self is present.
What causes codependency?
Children learn what they live, so codependency starts early based on family rules and patterns. Some of these rules include repression of feelings, lack of physical affection, doing as you are told vs. copying what you see, being strong or good or perfect, keeping the peace, not being selfish and being serious vs. playful.
Children of dysfunctional families very often become codependents. A dysfunctional family in this sense is characterized by one or more of The Four As:
- Abuse – at least one family member perpetrates some form of abuse, whether physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual, sexual or some combination thereof
- Absence – at least one important role model is emotionally or physically absent or inappropriate in some way
- Addiction – at least one family member suffers from an addiction of some kind
- Ailment – at least one family member has a chronic physical or psychological illness
In the latter two categories, the bulk of attention is focused on the family member who is ill. The wants, wishes and desires of the other family members are put on the back burner: their needs are sacrificed to care for the person who is unwell. As a result, those other family members are neglected in at least one way. This can have dire consequences, not the least of which is a loss of one’s identity or sense of self. For example, I once worked with a female codependent patient who was sister to the prodigal daughter. The prodigal child garnered–even commanded, at times–a great deal of attention due to her poor choices and reckless behavior. This included thousands of dollars spent to bail the prodigal child out–emotionally, legally, physically, etc. The parents were overfocused on the sister and refused to set appropriate boundaries, and my patient was neglected in many ways. She worked very hard to be strong and perfect, the golden child. When this didn’t work, she developed an eating disorder that nearly killed her. She had finally succeeded in getting her parents’ attention. The good news is that, during the course of her eating disorder treatment, she was able to confront her parents on historical and current issues, and the processes of change and healing began.
Why would someone want to be such a martyr?
Codependency is more of a compulsion than a want per se. It is also frequently transmitted intergenerationally: history has a tendency to repeat itself unless you do something to change its course. The primary origin of codependency is low self-esteem. As in the dysfunctional family examples above, a person’s identity becomes rooted in what he can do for others. So, self-esteem is based on performance and pleasing others, regardless of what you lose–or never develop– in the process.
This overall concept of self is very important because how we feel about ourselves determines how we treat ourselves. If a person doesn’t think she’s worthy or deserving of happiness, for instance, she may put others before herself in order to feel better. That is, if she can make someone else happy or do for someone else, she’s worth something and can gain happiness from that.
While it’s fine and even generous to do things for others, a pattern of this behavior can lead to big problems. The void that her behavior fills is really unfillable by these means, but she will compulsively keep trying to fill it by doing and being for others. Taken to the extreme, she can start to feel that she only lives and breathes for the benefit of others. So, the compulsion can become an addiction, and down the road to dissatisfaction she continues.
What are the consequences of codependency?
Outside of a poorly formed sense of self, codependent people have a tendency to get involved in unhealthy or toxic relationships. This may include people who are addicts, abusers, unwell physically and/or psychologically or otherwise need rescuing of some sort. This rescuer position gives the codependent control and feeds her need to be needed, thus recreating the dynamics of childhood. Codependents don’t get involved with people with healthy boundaries because this doesn’t create an opportunity to be needed and gain self-esteem from success in satisfying others. This may all seem strange–why would someone want to repeat the horror of what they grew up with? First, it’s rarely conscious. Second, it’s familiar and predictable–they know how to do this pattern. Third, they feel some sense of control or power in being able to rescue another. Fourth, they feel needed and thereby can’t be abandoned (or so they think). So, the cycle of personal unfulfillment continues.
This lack of attention to personal health and well-being can have dire consequences in that the codependent may develop serious medical problems due to not taking care of herself physically or psychologically. This can include all forms of self-defeating behavior, including self-medicating and recklessness. The codependent may also miss out on important social, academic, occupational and financial opportunities because she is not willing to speak up or focus on self-improvement. Trying to be everything to everyone, the codependent is highly likely to suffer from anxiety and depression.
How does the codependent overcome self-destructive patterns?
One of the main therapy goals for the codependent is to improve self-esteem. A good way to get started is to take a look at various areas of your life and see where your confidence may be lacking. Then, using your strengths and some assertiveness training, you can learn to take better care of yourself emotionally and psychologically.
Self-care is also very important for the codependent. You first have to learn that taking care of yourself is not synonymous with being selfish. Rather, it is self-preserving. If you don’t take care of you, no one’s going to do it for you. This includes taking care of your body, mind, soul and spirit.
Setting and maintaining boundaries is also crucial to recovery from codependency. You first have to understand what a boundary is and isn’t: self-protective vs. self-destructive. You can still help and give to others, you just have to find a middle ground. As you are working in this area, beware of the phenomenon I call the “Pendulum Swing.” Like a pendulum, behavior can go from one extreme to the other as you search for your own personal middle ground. It’s all about balance. As you replay events to your therapist, she can help you discern a middle ground for yourself.
Learning how to let go, be playful and have fun is vital to overcoming codependency. Children of dysfunctional families often grow up way too fast. In caring for the adults in their lives, they often become more mature and psychologically minded than the adults for whom they care. Many of them don’t have much of a childhood to speak of by the time they are through it! They learn to be overcontrolled, serious, hyper-mature or even rigid. In these cases, a little bit of regression goes a long way.
How do I know if I’m codependent?
An organization called Mental Health America provides the following list of questions for self-evaluation. Nota bene: Just because you endorse some of these symptoms does not mean you are necessarily a codependent. This is merely provided as a starting point to increase your awareness and help you gather information. You should seek the help of a qualified professional for this diagnosis or any other.
1. Do you keep quiet to avoid arguments?
2. Are you always worried about others’ opinions of you?
3. Have you ever lived with someone with an alcohol or drug problem?
4. Have you ever lived with someone who hits or belittles you?
5. Are the opinions of others more important than your own?
6. Do you have difficulty adjusting to changes at work or home?
7. Do you feel rejected when significant others spend time with friends?
8. Do you doubt your ability to be who you want to be?
9. Are you uncomfortable expressing your true feelings to others?
10. Have you ever felt inadequate?
11. Do you feel like a “bad person” when you make a mistake?
12. Do you have difficulty taking compliments or gifts?
13. Do you feel humiliation when your child or spouse makes a mistake?
14. Do you think people in your life would go downhill without your constant efforts?
15. Do you frequently wish someone could help you get things done?
16. Do you have difficulty talking to people in authority, such as the police or your boss?
17. Are you confused about who you are or where you are going with your life?
18. Do you have trouble saying “no” when asked for help?
19. Do you have trouble asking for help?
20. Do you have so many things going at once that you can’t do justice to any of them?
Codependency, like many other psychological issues, may not be your fault–you may come by it honestly–but it is your problem and one that only you can fix. Remember, each of us is created equal, so you have every right to be treated as such. You know that what you are doing isn’t working, so try something different. In considering behavioral change, always remember: You have nothing to lose!
