Everyone needs boundaries. Boundaries are the limits you set in your life to take care of yourself mentally and physically. Boundaries require assertiveness and the recognition of one’s own emotional and psychological limits. Some people confuse assertiveness with aggressiveness and, as a result, don’t set the boundaries they need to take care of or even protect themselves. Many people, in fact, put others’ emotional needs before their own, often to their own detriment. This is known as enabling and is part of codependency.
In certain situations, such as parenting young children, it may be appropriate to put another’s needs before your own. This is not what we’re talking about here. I’m referring to situations wherein an adult sacrifices his or her own well-being in some way in order to accommodate the other person in the relationship. For example, a woman who doesn’t stand up to her emotionally abusive husband, a parent who doesn’t set limits with his or her children, or a man who doesn’t stand up to his rude, demanding boss. Low self-esteem and poor self-worth, seeing little value in yourself, is at the root of these issues. You have to recognize that you are just as important and worthy as the next person–we’re all God’s children, and the ground is level at the foot of the cross. If you can’t see yourself as important and worthy of love, appropriate treatment, respect and so on, you will not likely act in ways that elicit these things from others. Maya Angelou said it this way: “If I am not good to myself, how can I expect anyone else to be good to me?”
Why are boundaries important? Setting boundaries in your life decreases the odds that you will be taken for granted, disrespected, taken advantage of or otherwise treated poorly. This leads to a more positive self-image, happier and healthier relationships and a better quality of life. As I’ve said before, water seeks its own level. If you want people in your life who are good to you, start by being good to yourself and commanding good treatment. Of course, this takes practice for most people. Sometimes you may have to use the ole’ fake it ’til you make it concept until you have the confidence to go behind being assertive on a consistent basis. Certain situations may be easier than others. For example, standing up to the grocery store clerk may be easier than asserting yourself with your boss. So start small, and work your way up. With each success, you will gain greater confidence. With greater confidence, you will be more likely to take opportunities for setting boundaries. For more on boundaries and assertiveness, click on the Resources tab at the top of the page.
