Letting go of things you’ve done or things that have been done to you in the past can be difficult. Let’s start with a definition of letting go to make sure we’re all on the same page. To “let go” of something doesn’t mean that you say that what you did or what was done to you is okay or no big deal, nor does it give you or the offender a pass. Like forgiveness, what it means is that you’re releasing yourself from the emotional pain that you live in by holding onto what happened. You’re not condoning what was done or giving anyone a pass for the hurt caused. You’re simply deciding that you don’t want to live in that memory or that place of hurt any longer.
So, how do we do this? I think it involves four components:
1. You have to change your self-talk. The first thing to recognize is that you can’t change what happened in the past, so there’s no sense hanging onto it. You can’t go back in time or control or prevent the situation after the fact. You may want to come up with a phrase that you recite to yourself whenever a memory of the painful past is triggered or comes up. It can be something like “let go,” “live in the now,” “stay in the present” or “release;” or it can be something more, such as “I am not my past” or “My past doesn’t define me.”
2. Instead, focus on what you can control: the now, the present. Work on mindfulness, or staying in the present moment and dealing with or enjoying what’s in front of you. Don’t judge the past by saying that you failed at something before so you shouldn’t try it again. Don’t make assumptions about the future by saying that you will invariably fail because you’re not capable, smart enough, etc. Don’t let preconceived notions get in your way. Instead, handle each situation in the now.
3. If you’re hanging onto something you’ve done and beating yourself up about it, try taking the perspective of a friend. If a friend did what you did, would you judge him or her so harshly? Here’s a story to illustrate this a bit. A dad raised three kids as a single parent. He worked hard, didn’t fall prey to addiction, didn’t abuse his kids, spent money wisely and provided for his kids as best he could and didn’t go out partying at night and leave them at home to raise themselves. He did his best and gave it his all. He beats himself up now that his kids are adults, saying he should have spent more time with them, should have had them involved in this or that activity, should’ve had them in private school and so on. He judges himself very harshly, so I asked him what he’d say to a friend in the same situation. That is, would he judge his friend so harshly or believe the friend did the best he could at the time with what he had available to him? Without hesitation, he said that he would not look at the friend the same way, would give the friend the benefit of the doubt and would believe the friend did his very best with what he had. Through our discussion, he was able to see that these positive judgments should also apply to him and that holding himself to a different standard was unreasonable, unrealistic and unfair. Ironically, it’s almost egomaniacal in a way, thinking you should be held to a higher standard than others, like saying you’re better than others in a way. Of course, being extra hard on yourself is the exact opposite of being an egomaniac, but thinking about it this new way may help you let go of your unreasonable standards and expectations for yourself.
4. The other thing that helps in letting go is finding a lesson in what happened. Is there anything you learned, any take away from the experience? Not all situations have lessons that are immediately obvious and some may not have a discernible lesson at all. It’s always worth seeking, though. Sometimes the lesson is in what you learned about yourself.
Letting go is not easy, but it is incredibly healing. Life is too short to hold onto pain and hurt. Ending your self-inflicted suffering is within your control. Free yourself from your emotional chains by following these four steps and learning to let go. Above all, remember to be patient with yourself. You are reprogramming your brain—literally changing your thinking and the way your brain processes information—and this takes time and lots of practice.
If you or someone you know is struggling with this or another psychological issue, help is available. Talk to your insurer about available options under your plan. For more information on teletherapy sessions with me, visit www.doctorbellingrodt.com.
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