There are many aspects to assertiveness training. First and foremost, assertiveness is not to be confused with aggressiveness. I say that being assertive splits the difference between being passive and being aggressive. Being assertive simply means standing up for yourself, not in a rude, mean or domineering way but, rather, in a calm, direct way. When we are not assertive, we often allow ourselves to be taken advantage of. If we do this repeatedly, we fall into enabling and patterns of codependency, which can lead to depression, anxiety and fear, resentment, regret, guilt, shame and embarrassment, to name a few.
Above all else, remember: We are all God’s children, each of us created equal. You have every right that the next person has because the ground is level at the foot of the cross: No one is better than you, no one is worse than you. We are all important and worthy, each special in a number of ways. John Hancock and his brethren said it this way back in 1776 when they wrote The Declaration of Independence: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” You have a right to be assertive just as much as the next person. This is why Alberti and Emmons call assertiveness Your Perfect Right and wrote a book on assertiveness by that very name.
So, why do we so often forget one of our most important rights: to stand up for ourselves, to not be used or taken advantage of, to not be taken for granted? People with low assertiveness often do not feel that they are worthy, that their opinion matters, that they have a right to say anything and so on. Basically, this is related to self-confidence, which comes from self-esteem.
Working on self-esteem is something most of us could benefit from. There are direct ways to do this, such as addressing and making improvements in various areas of your life and self. Then, there are indirect ways, such as being assertive. I know this sounds a bit circular, so you may have to fake it ’til you make it. For example, a therapist can help you role-play being assertive in a particular situation. Just like learning to play an instrument, assertiveness takes practice and learning from errors. You then go out and try it–even if you’re not feeling entirely self-confident–reminding yourself how uncomfortable being passive has felt, not to mention how poorly it’s worked for you, and telling yourself that you have nothing to lose in standing up for yourself appropriately. After that, take the information back to your therapist and see what you did well and what needs improvement. Then, it’s wash, rinse, repeat! The more you do it, the easier it becomes.
